As I am reading the blogs in the Titus 2 block party I noticed something. Most of them have large families. I think it is wonderful but it also causes me pain. See I always dreamed of a large family. I grew up in a divorced home with three children, me being the oldest, therefore surrogate mommy. I thought three was boring but I had a friend who had nine in her family! I loved it there, a mom who was home and all those kids. Well that family is now mine as I married my friends older brother.
I remember reading a romance magazine when I was in my late teens (BC when I was living with my now husband and money was very tight, a cheap mag held lots of hours of reading.) Anyway 25+ years later I clearly remember one story of a woman who dreamed of a large family and ended up with a few of her own and then adopting some nieces and nephews. They lived in a big old house in the country. I remember so well how my heart ached to have that.
Well child number one was a surprise. The best of my life! Number 2 was planned and then we were going to wait a few years and have a couple more. See my husband did not have the same idea about a big family as I did. His family was large, but not as wonderful as I thought. He blamed it on too many kids. I now know that was not the reason but he did not understand. So we compromised on 4. Well instead #3 came exactly two years after #2 almost to the day. And he said enough and got a vasectomy.
Even as I sat in the DRs. office holding my newborn, I knew the pain this would bring me. I did not want this but he was adamant and I was young and overwhelmed. I just did not have the strenght to fight (in the right sense) So it was done. And I started to pray. I and my children prayed for years the the Lord would override my husbands choice and allow me to concieve.
Now I just turned 44 and I have to accept that He has choosen not to answer those prayers. I write this with an ache in my heart and tears in my eyes. To have the desire of my heart, the dreams for my life not happen is hard. I struggle with trying to understand why God created me this way to leave me empty. (I am thankful for the three I was blessed with, and know there are some who would be blessed beyond words to have 3. )I am fully alive when I am surrounded with chldren. I used to do home daycare and loved snowdays. Because I would have ALL the kids at once. A house full of 10+ children was the best.
So why did God create me like this and then leave me to be in an empty nest at a young age? I had my last child at 23, way to young! I am learning to trust Him more and believe that He has a plan for the next half of my life. But all I ever wanted was to me a mama so all the advice of work or school ect falls to empty ears.
Anyway the thing I guess I would like to encourage young woman with is if at all possible, while submitting to your husbands do not make a permanent choice to stop having children when you are young. It may seem overwhelming now but they grow quickly and you may ache to have another in your arms. Don't listen to the world and their rejection of children. Listen to the Lord and His Word.