Monday, May 4, 2009

Is is possible to be both happy and sad at the same time??

I just found out my brother and his girlfriends' baby was born this morning. They had a little girl. I am so happy for them, but it also makes me sad.

See both my brother and sister have not followed the Lord, have lived worldly lives, divorced, leaving children in the wake. And now both of them have been blessed with more children in the last year and a half.

Meanwhile tomorrow is my 25th wedding anniversary, I stayed and made it work through a difficult marriage. I love him, but we live in two different worlds. I choose to listen to the Lord and live up to my vows. My husband too, took them very seriously I have to say.

I have always wanted many children. But my husband did not, so after three he said enough. At 23 yrs old I had my last baby. My arms have ached for one ever since. I have prayed that God would see fit to override the work of the doctor, but He has not. I am now 44 yrs old and know the window is closing.

But then I see my sister at 38, have another, her 4th. A woman who never wanted children. And now my brother at 42, be blessed with a little baby girl.

I want to scream "why", I followed the rules. I did the right thing, and I am denied! I don't understand how he made me to desire nothing more than to be a mom to leave me feeling empty at a young age. I don't know what I am going to do with myself all the years ahead of me.

I trust Him and I will continue to do so. It just stings right now.


  1. Wendy, my heart hurt as I read your blog. You are so honest and caring. God will help you through this.

    God's blessings rarely come right away. By staying married you have given your children something none of the other children will ever know. The final results are not in yet.

    Just continue to pour out your love to your children and grandchildren. God will give your plenty to do in the years ahead.

    I think you are really tired right now - that is not a good time to figure it out. Just give all this hurt to God (mentally put it into His hands) and see what happens.

    Will be praying for you.

  2. Oh, Wendy, I know your pain... not for the exact same reason, but the questions are the same. When I feel this way, there is no answer that will satisfy, only the comfort of walking back into our Savior's arms in spite of the pain... or perhaps because of it. I'm praying...

    love you,

  3. I wanted to come back today and wish you a wonderful Mother's Day. I hope you are feeling better about life. I know God loves you and won't leave you feeling empty.